To blog or not to blog; a musing

To blog or not to blog; a musing

Against my better judgement and at the very high probability of appearing ignorant on a daily basis I have decided to start my own blog! (or try I guess) Reasons why I have not done so yet include but are not limited to; The fact that I am always writing something anyways. Poetry, short stories, essays, novels, flash fiction, fanfiction. I barely stop writing to fucking eat. I have a limited amount of time, what with a three year old, a husband, and full time job and a book deal with the deadline coming up on the horizon I kinda always overwhelm myself. Oh and the fact that I run a local writers club and have a poetry partner for slam/performance poetry only. And also why the fuck would anyone care if I blog or what I have to say. Most of the time whenever I try to start a blog it goes for like three entries or whatever you call them and then it dies down. I guess we’ll see what happens with this one. I’m still not entirely sure what a blog is anyway. Online journal? Day to day life. Thoughts that I share with the world? Idk. And really half the time I have a thought and I share it out loud people start arguments with me or look at me weird and I’m glad that I have to slow down in order to get even this out, maybe I should longhand this first like I do with all my other writing so that I can edit out what is just retarded.

Okay so on to the reason why I am deciding to start a blog despite my ridiculous schedule and the fact that I have very little knowledge as to what the hell I am doing. To effing platform myself. Yeah fucking lame reason I know. I really wish I could just be the type of writer who just sat in a cabin up in the mountains all year round and wrote nothing but fantasy and buried myself so far away from this fucking real world that you would have to move the sanitarium to me. Like just build it around me. But I can’t, I want to write. I love learning, but I hate that the more I learn the angrier at the world I get and just fantasy doesn’t do it for me anymore. So I guess it’s also to release steam. A lot of what I put on here might be in essay form, since I do those a lot when I get angry at a subject. (I once wrote an essay for my mother with sources and everything about the origin of AIDS because she made me angry with her “Christian science” talk) But I also shouldn’t say that you’ll see a lot of anything in particular. Hopefully those of you who actually brave the follow button on my page have maybe read and hopefully enjoyed my poetry.

What I will write about; Fucking everything. Some days I will be super serious and super articulate and other days I will just be ranting about stupid shit and probably just have an entire page filled with fucks. This paragraph is also the disclaimer. I am offensive. I have never been offensive on the internet because I think it is way too easy for people to be like that when their face is hidden behind a screen and their hateful words can easily be typed before thought or empathy can go into it. I’m also terrified of the internet. That might be a topic one day. This will be the first time that I will just be BAM everything out there in this blog. That’s what I’m like in person. So if you are offended by me because I have my information wrong PLEASE LET ME KNOW. If you are offended by me for some stupid ass reason I DON’T GIVE A SHIT UNFOLLOW ME I’M SURE I’LL SURVIVE. If you think I’m ever out of line for some moral reason I guess you could let me know and I will try to broaden my horizons.

Blah I ran out of things to say so I guess I’ll just post this…

Fun fact about me I have no purely internet friends. I have never met anyone online. I’m too nervous to start up a conversation over chat or whatever and I’m too awkward because I always have a nagging feeling in the back of my mind that I’m talking to a robot. I’ve only ever used skype once.

I’ll hold my breath

While you hold my hand

I’ll do the surrendering

If you’ll be the man

 

I’ll spread my legs

Inviting you in

If you’ll think with lust

And join in my sin

 

TAKE IT!

TAKE IT!

TAKE IT!

Do it little boy

DO IT!

DO IT!

DO IT!

I’ll be your little toy

Come on in

Come in

Go on

Temptation is the plan

Tick tock

Tick tock

Tick tock

It’s time to be a man

 

If you bite down

I’ll let my hand wonder

Lick at the flesh

And I’ll move down a little farther

 

If you don’t take a chance

Nothing will be given

Your lust turned to love

Mine tucked away and hidden

 

TAKE IT!

TAKE IT!

TAKE IT!

Do it little boy

DO IT!

DO IT!

DO IT!

I’ll be your little toy

Come on in

Come in

Go on

Temptation is the plan

Tick tock

Tick tock

Tick tock

It’s time to be a man

 

Just be a fucking man already

I know you have it in you

I won’t date a fucking pussy

I’ll be the one you lose too

Stained in red

With your hands

As my blood fed

Your demands

Stained in black

With your soul

I fill your lack

Corrupt my whole

 

My white world

Stained with sin

I was lured

Down by him

My poor broken wings

No longer new

They’re stained red

Stained by you

 

Stained in scarlet

With the knife
I can’t die yet

I still have life

Stained in gray

With dirty snow

I cannot pray

Until I know

 

My white world

Stained with sin

I was lured

Down by him

My poor broken wings

No longer new

They’re stained red

Stained by you

 

Stained in crimson

Like the dirt

Maggots crawl in

I can’t feel the hurt

Condemned by his sins

Stained in brown

As my blood dries

In the dirt I seep down

As he slowly dies

 

My white world

Stained with sin

I was lured

Down by him

My poor broken wings

No longer new

They’re stained red

Stained by you

 

 

 

I’m looking at my reflection

In my lonesome mirror

Every little imperfection

I scowl I pout I leer

Every single indiscretion

As I see a lonesome tear

 

You gave me this

You’re the one who

Slit my wrists

To think I wanted to stay by you

I was just a possession, shiny and new

Well you can’t keep me down

No matter how hard you try

I’ll keep my feet planted firmly on the ground

And I will never cry

So I’ll hold up my head

And bear it

I’ll look you straight in the eye

And shame it

 

I break that mirror, shards of glass

And my face breaks into a thousand pieces

My life flies by, moving too fast

And instead of one, I’m surrounded my a thousand faces

As blood flows, time will pass

And thought after thought chases

The next through the broken glass

 

 

You gave me this

You’re the one who

Slit my wrists

To think I wanted to stay by you

I was just a possession, shiny and new

Well you can’t keep me down

No matter how hard you try

I’ll keep my feet planted firmly on the ground

And I will never cry

So I’ll hold up my head

And bear it

I’ll look you straight in the eye

And shame it

 

Sing away baby

Sing off to sleep

See the good lady

And watch as she weeps

 

The stars have all died

The moon is dead

But sleep on sweet baby

Alone in your bed

 

Dream oh sweet baby

Dream away pain

Of what a sweet image

A world with no shame

 

The stars have all died

The moon is dead

But sleep on sweet baby

Alone in your bed

 

Flyaway dragon

Flyway up high

Fly through my dreams

To your court in the sky

 

The stars have all died

The moon is dead

But sleep on sweet baby

Alone in your bed

Jigsaw puzzles

With every turn

The pieces scatter

And begin to burn

Try to gather them

But we never learn

And so…

 

Our lives start falling apart

We never learn from our mistakes

Never mending a broken heart

Not even for our own sake

Our small minds

Never piecing things together

Pieces of puzzles left behind

As we fall into forever

 

Riddles appear

Left and right

Confuse my thoughts

And steal my light

I weaken slowly

But try to fight

And so…

 

Our lives start falling apart

We never learn from our mistakes

Never mending a broken heart

Not even for our own sake

Our small minds

Never piecing things together

Pieces of puzzles left behind

As we fall into forever

 

Jigsaw puzzles

With every turn

The pieces scatter

And begin to burn

Try to gather them

But we never learn

And so…

 

Our lives start falling apart

We never learn from our mistakes

Never mending a broken heart

Not even for our own sake

Our small minds

Never piecing things together

Pieces of puzzles left behind

As we fall into forever

 

Lost within a maze

Tall walls of green

Try to find the exit

But my escape remains unseen

Alone to solve my problems

But who is the real fiend?

And so…

 

Our lives start falling apart

We never learn from our mistakes

Never mending a broken heart

Not even for our own sake

Our small minds

Never piecing things together

Pieces of puzzles left behind

As we fall into forever

 

Riddles appear

Left and right

Confuse my thoughts

And steal my light

I weaken slowly

But try to fight

And so…

 

Our lives start falling apart

We never learn from our mistakes

Never mending a broken heart

Not even for our own sake

Our small minds

Never piecing things together

Pieces of puzzles left behind

As we fall into forever

There’s nothing broken

My heart’s just fine

I’ll say it again

I’ll redraw the line

There’s nothing broken

 It doesn’t hurt

I’ve already forgotten

The taste of dirt

 

I’m okay

 

I scream

I’m okay

I dream

That I’m okay

 

I’m okay

 

I yell through the sound

Of something breaking

Something breaking down

Something is shattering

Shattering around

I can’t hear anything

The sound of something breaking drowns

Out everything

 

But nothing’s broken

My minds awake

Everything’s dandy then

Nothing I can’t take

Really it’s true

I truelly insist

But I can’t get through

You can’t be convinced

 

I’m okay

 

I scream

I’m okay

I dream

That I’m okay

 

I’m okay

 

I yell through the sound

Of something breaking

Something breaking down

Something is shattering

Shattering around

I can’t hear anything

The sound of something breaking drowns

Out everything

 

There’s really nothing broken

My spirit is mending

The aftershock of sin

My everything is bending

But not broken yet

I may be in denial

I might be in pain

I hide behind a smile

Hiding from my shame

But I’m not broken yet

Nothing’s broken quite yet

 

I’m okay

 

I scream

I’m okay

I dream

That I’m okay

 

I’m okay

 

I yell through the sound

Of something breaking

Something breaking down

Something is shattering

Shattering around

I can’t hear anything

The sound of something breaking drowns

Out everything

 

I’m okay

 

I scream

I’m okay

I dream

That I’m okay

 

I’m okay 

I’m losing my edges

No boundaries are left

Standing on literal ledges

No longer as deft

 

Who will be my under taker

Who will bury me in the ground?

Who will give me my last rights?

And who will drag me down

 

Who will go to my funeral?

Who alone will visit my grave?

Who will read my obituary?

And whom will I choose to save

 

I’m fading away slowly

I’m counting my time

I’ve never felt so lowly

As when I’m counting my crimes

 

Who will be my under taker

Who will bury me in the ground?

Who will give me my last rights?

And who will drag me down

 

Who will go to my funeral?

Who alone will visit my grave?

Who will read my obituary?

And whom will I choose to save

 

My lines are blurring

My edge I can’t feel

Temptation is luring

Me away from what’s real

 

Who will be my under taker

Who will bury me in the ground?

Who will give me my last rights?

And who will drag me down

 

Who will go to my funeral?

Who alone will visit my grave?

Who will read my obituary?

And whom will I choose to save

 

 

My freedom’s bound

Down by chains

I have not found

My leaden pains

 

Bound by love

Bound by hate

Bound by angels

At the gate

 

My freedom’s bound

By heavy chains

They drag me down

Through dirty lanes

 

Bound by love

Bound by hate

Bound by angels

At the gate

 

My freedom’s bound

With rusty chains

The water drowns

My spirit wanes

 

Bound by love

Bound by hate

Bound by angels

At the gate

 

My freedom’s bound

With age old chains

And murderous intent

Where I met Cain

 

Bound by love

Bound by hate

Bound by angels

At the gate

 

My freedom’s bound

By weakened chains

But it’s too late

I’ve gone insane

 

Bound by my love

Bound by your hate

Bound by self demons

At the coveted gate

Drink your own poison

Let it seep deep within

Put a flame to your heart

A fire to your sin

 

Spread your own poison

Though out your veins

Heart pumping blood

Your sins are your pain

 

Seek out your poison

Your tower of pain

To protect your own guilt

With your tower of flame

 

Spread your own poison

Though out your veins

Heart pumping blood

Your sins are your pain

 

Bleed out your poison

Cut through your own flesh

Your life equals pain

So make your skin mesh

 

Spread your own poison

Through out your own veins

Heart pumping blood

Betrayed by your pain